How to Make a F@$%ing Pie

November 22, 2016





  1. Start with the Crust! Consider using store-bought crust. Read label and realize that store-bought crust contains something called “partially-hydrogenated lard,” also known as trans-fat. Of course the label says 0 grams trans-fat, but you’re not stupid. You decide to make your own crust. How hard can it be?
  1. Cut two sticks of butter into cubes and freeze for thirty minutes.
  1. Mix flour, salt, and sugar together. Add the frozen (because you already froze it in small cubes, right?) butter and mix with a pastry blender until butter is size of large peas. You can also do this in a food processor, if you’re fancy.
  1. Add four to eight tablespoons of ice water, one tablespoon at a time, until dough comes together but isn’t overly sticky. Dough should be moist, not wet. You ponder this as you add two tablespoons of ice water. Where is the line between moist and wet? You worry you won’t know it when you see it. The dough is not coming together. You add another tablespoon of ice water. You keep patting and shaping, trying to form some sort of cohesive ball. The dough is not remotely cohesive, so this does not work well. Crumbly bits keep falling off. You add another tablespoon of water. Pat, turn, shape. Pat, turn, shape. What the fuck is wrong with this fucking crust? Why won’t it be a fucking ball? For fuck’s sake! If you had used that fucking store-bought crust, you’d be done right now! Your arms ache, sweat is beading on your forehead. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You add another tablespoon of ice water.  This is a disaster. Pat, turn, shape—and BAM. It comes together. It’s perfect. You stand there, panting, and use your sleeve to wipe the sweat from your brow.
  1. Divide the perfect ball of dough into two equal halves and flatten into a disk. Wrap each disk in plastic and refrigerate until firm but not hard, 1 to 2 hours, before rolling.
  1. For Filling:While dough is chilling, peel and slice apples.
  1. Mix 1/2 cup granulated sugar, brown sugar, salt, zest, and cinnamon in large bowl; add apples and toss to combine. Transfer apples to Dutch oven (do not wash bowl) and cook, covered, over medium heat, stirring frequently, until apples are tender when poked with fork but still hold their shape, 15 to 20 minutes. (Apples and juices should gently simmer during cooking.) Transfer apples and juices to rimmed baking sheet and cool to room temperature, about 30 minutes. While apples cool, adjust oven rack to lowest position, place empty rimmed baking sheet on rack, and heat oven to 425 degrees.
  1. Remove one disk of dough from refrigerator and roll out to 12-inch circle, about 1/8 inch thick. Gently roll crust around rolling pin, then unroll it into pie dish. Working around circumference, ease dough into plate by gently lifting edge of dough with one hand while pressing into plate bottom with other hand. Leave dough that overhangs plate in place; refrigerate until dough is firm, about 30 minutes.
  1. Meanwhile, roll second disk of dough between two sheets of parchment paper to 12-inch circle, about 1/8 inch thick. Refrigerate, leaving dough between parchment sheets, until firm, about 30 minutes.
  1. Drain juice from cooled apples using a colander. Shake colander to drain off as much juice as possible (cooked apples should measure about 8 cups); discard juice. Transfer apples to dough-lined pie plate; sprinkle with lemon juice.
  1. Remove parchment from one side of remaining dough and flip dough onto apples; peel off second piece of parchment. Pinch edges of top and bottom dough rounds firmly together. Trim and seal edges of dough, then cut four 2-inch slits in top of dough. Brush surface with beaten egg white and sprinkle evenly with remaining teaspoon sugar.
  1. Set pie on preheated baking sheet; bake until crust is dark golden brown, 45 to 55 minutes. Transfer pie to wire rack and cool at least 1 1/2 hours. Cut into wedges and serve.
  1. Cry tears of joy.








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  • Reply Becky November 22, 2016 at 9:22 am

    So true it hurts. I’m on pie duty this Thanksgiving, so this should be fun!

    • Reply Lynn November 22, 2016 at 9:25 am

      Yay! Usually I take care of the pies, but this year they assigned me alcohol and I’m taking that very seriously.

  • Reply Jacob November 22, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    Wait, what? How can they put zero grams of trans fat on the label if it actually has trans fat listed in the ingredients?

    • Reply Lynn November 22, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      They can put 0 grams for anything less than half a gram. There are 8 servings, but if you have a top crust, then you’re having two servings, which would be 1 gram of trans fat for every slice of pie. But who eats only one slice of pie?

  • Reply Grace November 28, 2016 at 11:02 am

    Too funny! This is totally me making pie.

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